Sunday, February 12, 2012
24 Hours Later...
Well, yesterday started off on the rough side but thankfully due to some amazing friends and the power of communication I believe that a lot of tangled ropes have been laid out straight. And I am feeling a whole lot better than I did. Long story short: an epilogue is in the works and I can have my tea and toast without having an anxiety attack.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Oh buddy, the truth from the recently more rested brokenhearted
The unfortunate truth about my situation, as provided by last night's (or this day's very early morning), is that I am not entirely sure about what is going on. Am I broken up over unfortunate realizations of someone else? Yes. Does most of this come from a certain element of confusion that I am not sure I have any control over? Yes. Will I forever remain brokenhearted? Buddy, I hope not because none of this is settling well with me.
I am an individual who loves to be in love and hates the world when it is all over. Ay, there's the rub and main source of my frustration...is it all over? I have no clue. Do I want it to be? Hell no! And as a scholar of communication I am trying very hard not to over analyze anything that happens. This is not easy in the slightest. And yes I know what you're thinking because I have thought it too. "This happens to everyone" "If it is meant to happen it will happen" "Its something you just have to work through" "Is it really worth your time?" I realize all of this. But when you think you finally found a guy who isn't an asshole and is available and he chooses you to be his girlfriend it makes you one of the happiest people in the world. All of the time before what ever this is that we have going on now I was happier than I have ever been.
But what does this mean in my day to day life? Under it all I am not happy. There are glimpses of happiness throughout my day. Its as though my life has just been all flipped around. Instead of generally being happy all the time with moments of the not so joyful nature it is reversed. Now I can't see that I have a text or a phone call without panicking first and smiling later. My first thought is "Is this going to be bad news". I use to smile, every time, no matter how bad my day was. I can't get that back and it is so very unfortunate. (And that children is why you always do those things face to face and never digitally). In other facets of my life I have either put them on hold, given up, don't care or they remain fairly untainted except by my, what I hope to be temporary, mental state. My motivation in course work is a day by day battle. I'm either highly enthused (which I take advantage of) or depressingly unmotivated.
My mantra: Everything happens for a reason. Time will show it.
My dilemma: I'm not a patient person. I try to be but its hard. Especially when I knew things were so good and that briefly I was happy with another person who seemed to be happy too.
And now even my cat won't have anything to do with me because I had to give him his ear drops..."Dobby, I thought we were over this whole ear mite thing. Sorry bud." Oh, he really isn't happy.
Well, things will get sorted out and now, for now, I will just have to make the best of a rather unpleasant situation.
<3
I am an individual who loves to be in love and hates the world when it is all over. Ay, there's the rub and main source of my frustration...is it all over? I have no clue. Do I want it to be? Hell no! And as a scholar of communication I am trying very hard not to over analyze anything that happens. This is not easy in the slightest. And yes I know what you're thinking because I have thought it too. "This happens to everyone" "If it is meant to happen it will happen" "Its something you just have to work through" "Is it really worth your time?" I realize all of this. But when you think you finally found a guy who isn't an asshole and is available and he chooses you to be his girlfriend it makes you one of the happiest people in the world. All of the time before what ever this is that we have going on now I was happier than I have ever been.
But what does this mean in my day to day life? Under it all I am not happy. There are glimpses of happiness throughout my day. Its as though my life has just been all flipped around. Instead of generally being happy all the time with moments of the not so joyful nature it is reversed. Now I can't see that I have a text or a phone call without panicking first and smiling later. My first thought is "Is this going to be bad news". I use to smile, every time, no matter how bad my day was. I can't get that back and it is so very unfortunate. (And that children is why you always do those things face to face and never digitally). In other facets of my life I have either put them on hold, given up, don't care or they remain fairly untainted except by my, what I hope to be temporary, mental state. My motivation in course work is a day by day battle. I'm either highly enthused (which I take advantage of) or depressingly unmotivated.
My mantra: Everything happens for a reason. Time will show it.
My dilemma: I'm not a patient person. I try to be but its hard. Especially when I knew things were so good and that briefly I was happy with another person who seemed to be happy too.
And now even my cat won't have anything to do with me because I had to give him his ear drops..."Dobby, I thought we were over this whole ear mite thing. Sorry bud." Oh, he really isn't happy.
Well, things will get sorted out and now, for now, I will just have to make the best of a rather unpleasant situation.
<3
Friday, February 10, 2012
The truth
I don't know what to do or how to act.
The only thing dampening my pillow are the tears.
Tears from the fears.
Stemming from the age old questions like
what the hell happened?
The days go by slowly
as though I were existing in the life
of someone who chooses never to live.
What am I suppose to do?
What is there left to give
to someone who doesn't know what they want?
Its cold outside, wind rattling windows
snow suffocating the ground
which is only waiting for the spring.
At least the earth moves forward
though I may feel tired and look gaunt.
Gaunt because the mixed messages taunt.
This is the dilemma.
I need to rest my weary eyes.
But something might be broken somewhere
there is pain.
In the fashion of my toddler days
I cry and throw a fit
but in the silence of my own space.
Still the same are the old ways.
I don't like it.
Its not fair.
That once I was happier
once when my mind was elsewhere.
But I have a secret
one that ya may never know.
Grade school talent show bow.
Sorry bud, not giving it up here.
No way, no how.
I just write and cry myself to sleep.
The only thing dampening my pillow are the tears.
Tears from the fears.
Stemming from the age old questions like
what the hell happened?
The days go by slowly
as though I were existing in the life
of someone who chooses never to live.
What am I suppose to do?
What is there left to give
to someone who doesn't know what they want?
Its cold outside, wind rattling windows
snow suffocating the ground
which is only waiting for the spring.
At least the earth moves forward
though I may feel tired and look gaunt.
Gaunt because the mixed messages taunt.
This is the dilemma.
I need to rest my weary eyes.
But something might be broken somewhere
there is pain.
In the fashion of my toddler days
I cry and throw a fit
but in the silence of my own space.
Still the same are the old ways.
I don't like it.
Its not fair.
That once I was happier
once when my mind was elsewhere.
But I have a secret
one that ya may never know.
Grade school talent show bow.
Sorry bud, not giving it up here.
No way, no how.
I just write and cry myself to sleep.
Sunday, January 29, 2012
Hurt
Well, the short story is that I am sad. The long story is that I will be okay. I was finally happy on my own. Then I realized I was happier with you. Now, for a while, I wont be happy at all. The truth is that I understand and the harsh reality is that I don't want to.
A period of healing and learning should follow every relationship so it can open a better door into the next. I am tired of opening doors. One day I just want to walk through one and see the world, not a mirage in an empty room that has fooled me. Issue: when do you know what it is? When you bump into the wall that leads to the next door. I know I'm not going to find it by sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes. But what if I get up find it? What if its not there and you were it? Either way I feel as though I'm probably going to be heart broken for a while. So, I'm just going to sit here a little longer.
A period of healing and learning should follow every relationship so it can open a better door into the next. I am tired of opening doors. One day I just want to walk through one and see the world, not a mirage in an empty room that has fooled me. Issue: when do you know what it is? When you bump into the wall that leads to the next door. I know I'm not going to find it by sitting on the floor with tears in my eyes. But what if I get up find it? What if its not there and you were it? Either way I feel as though I'm probably going to be heart broken for a while. So, I'm just going to sit here a little longer.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The New Year
Well, here it is. The first day of the New Year. I am sitting in my relatives home nestled in the country side of Ohio. I went for a run this morning and it was beautiful. There was so much wind whipping my loose bit of hair around my face and forcing the trees to perform delicate dances. It cut through the chilled air clearing it of the old year and Wiping the surface of the little ponds and the lake...a whole new freshness has settled. I love old stories and new beginnings. In reflection I had an amazing 2011! I loved every minute of it; full of adventure and travel. This year I look forward to not knowing what is coming. I have goals, of course, but there is an element of mystery that is lingering that I very much love. It started today and it started well: my run, yoga, silence, family, warmth, love.
I cannot wait fo rlife to keep unfolding. I look forward to writing more, continuing my schooling, seeing my love, discovering and keeping it all together. I hope you have a wonderful start to the year!
Keep moving forward,
Love,
Virginia
I cannot wait fo rlife to keep unfolding. I look forward to writing more, continuing my schooling, seeing my love, discovering and keeping it all together. I hope you have a wonderful start to the year!
Keep moving forward,
Love,
Virginia
Monday, November 28, 2011
Tiny Little Boat
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| Alumni Row Fall 2011 |
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| Alumni Row Fall 2011 |
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| Just another beautiful day in the neighborhood |
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| Practice: amazing grace |
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| Practice: grey days |
Wednesday, November 9, 2011
Some adventures of 2011
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| Hiking in Albania July 2011 |
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| Disney Magic Moment May 2011 |
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| Group from Albania Study Abroad Course |
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| Four awesome character attendants! |
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| Jason and Me- Fish Lake Fall 2011 |
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| Albania |
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| Me and the Boss Man! Mickey Mouse!!!!!! |
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