Well, not that anyone really cares (with the exception of my one follower), my life has come crashing down around me. That which I thought was a source of stability was an unfortunate fallacy in my life. I was looking for a wall, something which I could lean and rely upon, someone that could provide witness for my life and I could do the same for. I wish I had known that I was looking for such an individual when I was in the thick fog that clouded my proverbial judgement. I was under the impression that my temporary stilt exhibited these qualities. In short, to quote the spice girls, i am still "looking for a man, not a boy who thinks he can". If you do not fulfill this requirement you need not apply. I am tired and weary of morons, cowards and those who "aren't ready" for me yet.
My name is Virginia and I am an amazing individual not to be taken as a joke. I am a specialist in communications and the study of the human race. I swim six hours a week on average and wish to go sky diving. I will hike the full Appalachian Trail. I will run an ultra marathon. I have stared down death for both myself and others with a survival rate of 100% and have a a very low tolerance for nothing with the severe exception of bullshit. I am amazing and will meet my equivalency...eventually. I hope. Challenge presented.
Very soon I will go back to my regular posts of poetry and riddles. Some from back logs and journals some new and spur of the moment. Good night and sleep well.
Sunday, February 19, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
24 Hours Later...
Well, yesterday started off on the rough side but thankfully due to some amazing friends and the power of communication I believe that a lot of tangled ropes have been laid out straight. And I am feeling a whole lot better than I did. Long story short: an epilogue is in the works and I can have my tea and toast without having an anxiety attack.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
Oh buddy, the truth from the recently more rested brokenhearted
The unfortunate truth about my situation, as provided by last night's (or this day's very early morning), is that I am not entirely sure about what is going on. Am I broken up over unfortunate realizations of someone else? Yes. Does most of this come from a certain element of confusion that I am not sure I have any control over? Yes. Will I forever remain brokenhearted? Buddy, I hope not because none of this is settling well with me.
I am an individual who loves to be in love and hates the world when it is all over. Ay, there's the rub and main source of my frustration...is it all over? I have no clue. Do I want it to be? Hell no! And as a scholar of communication I am trying very hard not to over analyze anything that happens. This is not easy in the slightest. And yes I know what you're thinking because I have thought it too. "This happens to everyone" "If it is meant to happen it will happen" "Its something you just have to work through" "Is it really worth your time?" I realize all of this. But when you think you finally found a guy who isn't an asshole and is available and he chooses you to be his girlfriend it makes you one of the happiest people in the world. All of the time before what ever this is that we have going on now I was happier than I have ever been.
But what does this mean in my day to day life? Under it all I am not happy. There are glimpses of happiness throughout my day. Its as though my life has just been all flipped around. Instead of generally being happy all the time with moments of the not so joyful nature it is reversed. Now I can't see that I have a text or a phone call without panicking first and smiling later. My first thought is "Is this going to be bad news". I use to smile, every time, no matter how bad my day was. I can't get that back and it is so very unfortunate. (And that children is why you always do those things face to face and never digitally). In other facets of my life I have either put them on hold, given up, don't care or they remain fairly untainted except by my, what I hope to be temporary, mental state. My motivation in course work is a day by day battle. I'm either highly enthused (which I take advantage of) or depressingly unmotivated.
My mantra: Everything happens for a reason. Time will show it.
My dilemma: I'm not a patient person. I try to be but its hard. Especially when I knew things were so good and that briefly I was happy with another person who seemed to be happy too.
And now even my cat won't have anything to do with me because I had to give him his ear drops..."Dobby, I thought we were over this whole ear mite thing. Sorry bud." Oh, he really isn't happy.
Well, things will get sorted out and now, for now, I will just have to make the best of a rather unpleasant situation.
<3
I am an individual who loves to be in love and hates the world when it is all over. Ay, there's the rub and main source of my frustration...is it all over? I have no clue. Do I want it to be? Hell no! And as a scholar of communication I am trying very hard not to over analyze anything that happens. This is not easy in the slightest. And yes I know what you're thinking because I have thought it too. "This happens to everyone" "If it is meant to happen it will happen" "Its something you just have to work through" "Is it really worth your time?" I realize all of this. But when you think you finally found a guy who isn't an asshole and is available and he chooses you to be his girlfriend it makes you one of the happiest people in the world. All of the time before what ever this is that we have going on now I was happier than I have ever been.
But what does this mean in my day to day life? Under it all I am not happy. There are glimpses of happiness throughout my day. Its as though my life has just been all flipped around. Instead of generally being happy all the time with moments of the not so joyful nature it is reversed. Now I can't see that I have a text or a phone call without panicking first and smiling later. My first thought is "Is this going to be bad news". I use to smile, every time, no matter how bad my day was. I can't get that back and it is so very unfortunate. (And that children is why you always do those things face to face and never digitally). In other facets of my life I have either put them on hold, given up, don't care or they remain fairly untainted except by my, what I hope to be temporary, mental state. My motivation in course work is a day by day battle. I'm either highly enthused (which I take advantage of) or depressingly unmotivated.
My mantra: Everything happens for a reason. Time will show it.
My dilemma: I'm not a patient person. I try to be but its hard. Especially when I knew things were so good and that briefly I was happy with another person who seemed to be happy too.
And now even my cat won't have anything to do with me because I had to give him his ear drops..."Dobby, I thought we were over this whole ear mite thing. Sorry bud." Oh, he really isn't happy.
Well, things will get sorted out and now, for now, I will just have to make the best of a rather unpleasant situation.
<3
Friday, February 10, 2012
The truth
I don't know what to do or how to act.
The only thing dampening my pillow are the tears.
Tears from the fears.
Stemming from the age old questions like
what the hell happened?
The days go by slowly
as though I were existing in the life
of someone who chooses never to live.
What am I suppose to do?
What is there left to give
to someone who doesn't know what they want?
Its cold outside, wind rattling windows
snow suffocating the ground
which is only waiting for the spring.
At least the earth moves forward
though I may feel tired and look gaunt.
Gaunt because the mixed messages taunt.
This is the dilemma.
I need to rest my weary eyes.
But something might be broken somewhere
there is pain.
In the fashion of my toddler days
I cry and throw a fit
but in the silence of my own space.
Still the same are the old ways.
I don't like it.
Its not fair.
That once I was happier
once when my mind was elsewhere.
But I have a secret
one that ya may never know.
Grade school talent show bow.
Sorry bud, not giving it up here.
No way, no how.
I just write and cry myself to sleep.
The only thing dampening my pillow are the tears.
Tears from the fears.
Stemming from the age old questions like
what the hell happened?
The days go by slowly
as though I were existing in the life
of someone who chooses never to live.
What am I suppose to do?
What is there left to give
to someone who doesn't know what they want?
Its cold outside, wind rattling windows
snow suffocating the ground
which is only waiting for the spring.
At least the earth moves forward
though I may feel tired and look gaunt.
Gaunt because the mixed messages taunt.
This is the dilemma.
I need to rest my weary eyes.
But something might be broken somewhere
there is pain.
In the fashion of my toddler days
I cry and throw a fit
but in the silence of my own space.
Still the same are the old ways.
I don't like it.
Its not fair.
That once I was happier
once when my mind was elsewhere.
But I have a secret
one that ya may never know.
Grade school talent show bow.
Sorry bud, not giving it up here.
No way, no how.
I just write and cry myself to sleep.
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