The truth

I don't know what to do or how to act.
The only thing dampening my pillow are the tears.
Tears from the fears.
Stemming from the age old  questions  like
what the hell happened?
The days go by slowly
as though I were existing in the life
of someone who chooses never to live. 
What am I suppose to do?
What is there left to give
to someone who doesn't know what they want?

Its cold outside, wind rattling windows
snow suffocating the ground
which is only waiting for the spring.
At least the earth moves forward
though I may feel tired and look gaunt.
Gaunt because the mixed messages taunt. 
This is the dilemma.
I need to rest my weary eyes.
But something might be broken somewhere
there is pain.
In the fashion of my toddler days
I cry and throw a fit
but in the silence of my own space.
Still the same are the old ways.

I don't like it.
Its not fair.
That once I was happier
once when my mind was elsewhere.
But I have a secret
one that ya may never know.
Grade school talent show bow. 
Sorry bud, not giving it up here.
No way, no how.
I just write and cry myself to sleep.