The unfortunate truth about my situation, as provided by last night's (or this day's very early morning), is that I am not entirely sure about what is going on. Am I broken up over unfortunate realizations of someone else? Yes. Does most of this come from a certain element of confusion that I am not sure I have any control over? Yes. Will I forever remain brokenhearted? Buddy, I hope not because none of this is settling well with me.
I am an individual who loves to be in love and hates the world when it is all over. Ay, there's the rub and main source of my frustration...is it all over? I have no clue. Do I want it to be? Hell no! And as a scholar of communication I am trying very hard not to over analyze anything that happens. This is not easy in the slightest. And yes I know what you're thinking because I have thought it too. "This happens to everyone" "If it is meant to happen it will happen" "Its something you just have to work through" "Is it really worth your time?" I realize all of this. But when you think you finally found a guy who isn't an asshole and is available and he chooses you to be his girlfriend it makes you one of the happiest people in the world. All of the time before what ever this is that we have going on now I was happier than I have ever been.
But what does this mean in my day to day life? Under it all I am not happy. There are glimpses of happiness throughout my day. Its as though my life has just been all flipped around. Instead of generally being happy all the time with moments of the not so joyful nature it is reversed. Now I can't see that I have a text or a phone call without panicking first and smiling later. My first thought is "Is this going to be bad news". I use to smile, every time, no matter how bad my day was. I can't get that back and it is so very unfortunate. (And that children is why you always do those things face to face and never digitally). In other facets of my life I have either put them on hold, given up, don't care or they remain fairly untainted except by my, what I hope to be temporary, mental state. My motivation in course work is a day by day battle. I'm either highly enthused (which I take advantage of) or depressingly unmotivated.
My mantra: Everything happens for a reason. Time will show it.
My dilemma: I'm not a patient person. I try to be but its hard. Especially when I knew things were so good and that briefly I was happy with another person who seemed to be happy too.
And now even my cat won't have anything to do with me because I had to give him his ear drops..."Dobby, I thought we were over this whole ear mite thing. Sorry bud." Oh, he really isn't happy.
Well, things will get sorted out and now, for now, I will just have to make the best of a rather unpleasant situation.
<3
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